If you want to read something uplifting, stop here.
I've found myself in another one of my downer moods. It's sad that it always revolves around my body. As I struggled to overcome an eating disorder in my teenage years, I found the best thing for me was to not look in the mirror. I looked directly at my face while doing hair/makeup, but I NEVER looked at my body. If I did, I knew I'd start picking and noticing things I hated about myself, and once I got to that place it was oh so easy to just skip a couple meals and drop a few pounds. Obviously, that's not healthy! So, as part of my self-help rehab I did not look in mirrors at my body and I would not step on a scale. That's worked for me for the most part!
After I had Hugh and knew I had 40 pounds to lose, I knew I didn't want to buy new clothes until I felt better about myself. Shopping is a huge trigger for me when I can't fit into sizes I 'should' fit into. Ogg and I went to the mall on Saturday and I let myself think I'm smaller than I am and tried some dresses on.
I grabbed my normal size. Didn't fit. Can barely get the stupid dress over my head.
Whatever, I'm still nursing so I'm a bit bigger upstairs, so up one size. Didn't fit.
Okay, deep breaths everything is FINE. Up one more size.
I look terrible. Drowning in one part, skin tight in another.
Ogg is waiting outside the dressing room and as I come out he tells me it looks like the life has been sucked out of me. It's true, I was completely and instantly depressed. When we came home and got ready for bed I felt really good and determined about working out today during Hugh's first nap.
Hugh decided to wake up at 5AM. Yes, you read that right. 5AM. No exercising for me. Naptime. Once again, feeling crappy about myself because I couldn't manage to work out.
This is a vicious cycle and I'm afraid I'm not going to ever feel good about myself again. I just have to keep telling myself that Hugh was worth it. I love him more than anything, including my body.
Hugh was worth it.
Hugh IS worth it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Depressing
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7 comments:
You might not be the same size you were before but you look fantastic!
you look great in all your pictures! the best thing for me after my last baby has been hot yoga. have you tried it? i think it's such a perfect workout for dancers. i love vinyasa power yoga classes...but i really think you look great...oh, and i lost my last 10 pounds within 2 weeks of when i stopped nursing.
I'm glad you posted this. I really worry about my body enough right now and I want children so bad but I think I'll obsess about my weight too much. Glad I'm not the only person who feels like that. And I haven't even been pregnant yet!
I lost the last of my weight as soon as I was done breast feeding. Give yourself time. It took me a year and a half to get back to my regular size. Sometimes it takes longer than we want.
I agree with the others, you will feel more like your old self when you stop breastfeeding. Thanks for being so real in your blog, it is refreshing. I wish we lived closer, we could work out together.
This is not an easy thing to deal with for anyone. Especially when we live in a world that places almost total value of a person on personal appearence. It has been hard for me to accept some of the "glorious" bodily changes that come with motherhood ie sagging chest. I keep telling myself I would have given my right arm to be a mother and this is petty but it is still difficult, especially when swim season is here (cringe). I just keep thinking we are all going to get older and fatter with age anyway and these darling babes are definately worth all the sacrifice! We may never look 16 again but that doesn't mean we can't look great which you totally look great!
you are gorgeous! there are plenty of people who would love to look just like you!
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