I've Decided...

I want a baby. I've had fleeting moments, even days on end, where that thought has entered my mind and woven in and out of the grey matter in my head. But this is different. This is lasting. I not only feel it in my head and my heart, I feel it with my whole body.

It starts in my heart, the longing. I can literally feel it...it feels like the sun looks...You know how sometimes, when it's a beautiful, bright day and the sun is half-hidden behind a cloud and you can actually see the rays shimmering from the sun all the way to the roof-tops? That's how I'm feeling. This warmth and longing to love another human being, to bring one into the world has started in my heart and has slowly reached the tips of my fingers and toes.

Every part of me wants a baby in my arms to adore. Every part of me wants to know what the love of a mother feels like. I've loved many children, but I know that there's more love where that comes from. I know that there's always been a 'reserve' of sorts keeping that motherly love safe until the time is right...and I think the time is right.

One of my greatest fears is that I won't be able to conceive. My other greatest fear is that I will conceive, but have a special needs child. Of course I would love that child deeply, but no one wishes that on their child. There have been circumstances in my life that lead me to believe this might be a reality for me and my husband. I try not to stress out about it, but it's hard when it's been such a prominent thought my whole life. I guess the best thing to do is not worry about it and know that the Lord holds my life in His hands. I know that I can handle everything He throws at me. I know I can do it with the strength I can get from faith and my testimony and my husband. I know we can handle it together with love and strength we get from each other too.

*Deep breath*

Okay, the seriousness is over now. Now that that's off my chest, I can get back to stressing out about my dang exam I have to take on Saturday. 4 more weeks and I'll be free from that ball and chain called COLLEGE! Seriously though, I'm freakin out a little bit about this test. It's kinda difficult to teach yourself all this financial stuff! To illustrate how stressed I am about all of this, I will admit to eating TWO (yes, TWO!) pints of Ben & Jerry's froyo (but still like 600 calories per pint!) in the past week. Oh man, that's so bad! There goes all my training...yep, it's getting flushed down the toilet...can you see it too? I'm sooo not telling him I ate all that!